


We Hold Each Other

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First-Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MWPP, Marauders era, Pining, The Prank, Werewolf Reveal, anger and forgiveness, time lapse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4928197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And sometimes Remus would wake up from the moons with the smell of Padfoot all over him.</p><p>But this was new and different and he was confessing some long-buried secret because he did forgive Sirius and it was all just pouring out now.  Because he was a monster, and Sirius knew it—they all knew it.  But the thing of it was, Sirius loved him in spite of it.  Maybe because of it.  He wasn’t sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Hold Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> MWPP- Marauder's Era drabble for a request.

“Show me.”

Remus quaked, pulling the sleeves of his robes over his hands. His throat was tight, his stomach clenched, and it wasn’t because Sirius had just found out. “I’m not supposed to.” His voice came out a breathy whisper.

Scoffing, the dark-haired boy rolled his eyes. “Yeah well, you weren’t supposed to stick dungbombs in Snivellus’ cauldron either, and you did that just fine. And you weren’t supposed to hex his toast to turn his hair maroon, but you were the one who invented that spell. So show me.”

“It’s late…” His protests were becoming more feeble by the second, and since the day on the train he had trouble telling Sirius no. “I don’t think…”

“I’m nicking James’ cloak and you’re going to show me.”

Which is what Sirius Black did. And he walked in front because he’d always been shorter, and he prodded Remus with his elbow whenever the tawny-haired thirteen year old’s steps faltered. But then Sirius’ body went stiff when he realised where they were going.

“What are you playing at, Lupin? The Whomping Willow?”

Remus felt a bit ill now. Sirius only used his surname when he was really cross. “It’s…just…trust me, okay?” Remus darted from the cloak, praying to Merlin no one would see him prod that spot. The tree froze.

“What?” It was all Sirius could get out.

Remus turned, his eyes narrow. “You wanted to see so…come see, Sirius. Come see where I turn into a bloody monster and tear myself to bits. Come see where they lock me up and tell all the other students it’s haunted so they’ll be too scared to see what all the howling is about. Come on.” He was angry now. Angry at Sirius for forcing him to relive his monthly nightmare just to sat his arrogant friend’s curiosity.

He wasn’t waiting, either. He turned and slunk down the passage, broke into a run, and didn’t stop until he got to the entrance and Sirius had his hand round his upper arm, yanking him back. They were both out of breath and Remus was shaking with panic and anger.

“Wait.”

Remus rounded on Sirius. “Lumos.” He shoved the lit up end of his want into his friend’s face. “This isn’t a joke, Sirius. Just... understand that.”

“I get it. Remus I…” Sirius trailed off.

Turning, Remus shoved the door open and walked inside. The room was in tatters. As usual. Bits of broken furniture everywhere, claw marks on the walls, shattered windows, places where he’d tried to rip the flooring up. His stomach went a bit twisted when he saw brown flecks he knew to be his own blood. He was still close enough to the moon to be able to smell it.

“Remus.” The word came out breathy and sad. An arm pulled him, fingers digging into his skin. “They make you… they make you sit here? All on your own? Isn’t there anything…?”

“No,” Remus said, wanting to shout, but it came out a whisper. “No. They can’t do anything except lock me away.” He felt Sirius’ fingers dragging down one of his fresher scars. 

“Is that why you…?”

“Tear myself to bits? Yeah. Madame Promfrey fixes what she can. Dittany and other things. Skelegrow if I get down to the bone.” Sirius sucked in his breath. “It’s angry. All the time. The wolf wants to be out all the time and it can’t be so it wants to hurt things. Mostly me.”

Sirius’ voice was small and hesitant. “Isn’t there anything we could do? James and Peter and me? We can’t just sit by and watch you do this to yourself. Remus. We…”

“Stop it!” Remus shoved Sirius away. “Just stop it. There’s nothing you can do. You lot can’t fix everything. I’m a monster. I’m classified as one, okay? With the Ministry. Dumbledore had to petition for me to even be allowed to go here so don’t. Don’t do anything stupid. Please. Or they’ll make me leave.”

*** 

Remus thought Sirius might remember that. When they became Animagi for him. He thought Sirius loved him enough for that. Then Remus woke up in hospital shredded more than he had been in ages because the Marauders hadn’t been there. Because Sirius acted without thinking like he always did. And he nearly got Snape killed.

And Remus was in agony. His wolf had been angry and shredded his body. He was unconscious until well into the next morning and when he woke, Sirius wasn’t there. It was James. Who told him what happened and begged his forgiveness for whatever he’d enabled Sirius to do that night. Snape was okay. Though. But only just.

And Remus thought he would never ever forgive Sirius.

“You tried to take this away from me!” The Gryffindors had been banished from the tower upon pain of pranks and torture by both James and Peter because this was a long time coming. It had been weeks of stony silence and heartbreak between Sirius and Remus. And in Potions Remus nearly exploded his cauldron. When Sirius went after him, James knew.

“I didn’t…Moony, I wasn’t thinking.”

“That’s the problem, Sirius! That’s the problem. You never think! You never stop to think about who you might be hurting. You want me to be that monster? The murderer? If Snape tells anyone, they’ll have me thrown out. Tagged like a fucking wild dog and left to starve. Do you realise that?”

Sirius went pale and shaking as he backed up against the wall. His head was moving back and forth. “I didn’t…I never meant…”

“No. You never do mean. Do you? We’ll just throw anyone we want at Remus. He’s the blood-thirsty animal after all. You three—you can change. Whenever you like it! And I have to live this life and live with what I could do and do you know what’s out there for me when I’m out of Hogwarts, Sirius? Do you?”

Sirius gulped. “No I…”

“Nothing. Because I’m a fucking werewolf and no one wants to give people like me jobs. Or a home. Or a life. And it’s by the grace of fucking God I can get through these long seven years and hopefully do well enough to say, look, I’m a tame beast. I’ve only ever hurt myself and you…you almost took that from me.” His voice had dropped low and sad and aching because he loved Sirius with his entire being but how could he forgive this?

“I’m sorry, Moony.”

Remus looked up, his eyes red and dry. “I know. That’s the worst part, Sirius. I know you’re fucking sorry.”

*** 

He didn’t forgive him until March when they were drunk for his birthday and laying on top of the Astronomy Tower. Peter had buggered off to see if he could get McKinnon to give him chocolates, and James was busy with Lily down by the lake now that they’d had too much firewhiskey. 

Which left Remus and Sirius who’d got past the awkward silence bits and had gone back to some idea of friendship. They were on their backs, shoulder-to-shoulder. Sirius pointed up at the sky, to the brightest star there.

“See that, Moons? That’s me.”

Remus stared up, refusing to blink so he could see the twinkle. “They twinkle like that because they’re giant balls of flames but so far off we’re looking at light millions of years old.”

Sirius moved a little closer. “I think my parents regret calling me Sirius now. After…you know. Everything. They hoped I might burn out, but I won’t. I’ll be millions of years old light, Moony.”

Remus turned on his side and looked at his friend who had been so recently battered and broken by a family who helped to create this boy with such fire and energy and love. Sirius was touch-starved and was always too afraid to ask for it because being denied hurt so much worse, and Remus knew what that was like. After his bite, his parents were so afraid of him, they could barely hug him.

“Sirius,” Remus breathed. His fingers went out, brushing a few locks of hair away from Sirius’ forehead.

Leaning into the touch, Sirius let his eyes close. “M’drunk a bit.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, Moony. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Remus dragged his fingers further into Sirius’ hair, pressing light touches along his scalp. “I know, Pads. Merlin I…I know you are.”

“Forgive me.” Sirius still had his eyes closed and he curled his fingers into Remus’ robes. “Please. I can’t go on if you don’t. I can’t live with myself if you think I believe you’re just some…monster.”

Remus leant forward, pressing his forehead to the side of Sirius’ face and nuzzled him. “I forgave you. I forgave you before you did it, Pads. How could I not? I love you.”

They’d danced around this, had been since they first discovered their raging hormones between third and fourth year. Light touches and gentle flirting and occasionally twists of jealousy when one would sneak off with someone in the middle of the night. And careful hands would help in potions or transfigurations or charms.

And sometimes Remus would wake up from the moons with the smell of Padfoot all over him.

But this was new and different and he was confessing some long-buried secret because he did forgive Sirius and it was all just pouring out now. Because he was a monster, and Sirius knew it—they all knew it. But the thing of it was, Sirius loved him in spite of it. Maybe because of it. He wasn’t sure.

“Please don’t stop being my friend,” Remus said when Sirius said nothing. “I’m…I can’t hold it in anymore, Pads. I fucking love you and I’ve been in love with you for ages and I wanted to hate you but I’m not allowed to because my pathetic, battered heart is all yours and it will be forever. No matter what stupid thing you do.”

Sirius’ eyes were open and he was staring and shaking now as he grabbed Remus’ robes and pulled him in. Their lips crashed and it was a little painful and messy in spite of how much practise they each had. Because they were learning each other in this new way of tongues and breath and holding each other in case something happened and they were ripped apart.

“You’re my whole world,” Sirius whispered when they finally broke for air. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

Remus laughed, stroking one hand down Sirius’ cheek. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Padfoot. It’s…okay. Just stay with me right now.”

In the morning, when James found them curled up in Remus’ bed—because he had the heaviest blankets and the most comfortable mattress—he just smiled and set the curtains round them. And when they walked down the corridors with their fingers twinned together and whispers of love on their lips, no one really said a word. No one was surprised.


End file.
